life stage thoughts

i’m at an interesting stage of life. i work part-time at an independent book shop, which i love. my husband is well and fully employed and works a lot, travels a bit, has interests during his free time that don’t always include me, which is fine. my older son is 3,000 miles away and my younger son is 200 miles away. i miss them both but am happy that they are pursuing lives doing what they are passionate about. they make me proud. my ten year old sweet and lovable cavalier king charles spaniel is my constant companion and i spend a lot of my time sitting in my comfy forest green chair in the living room knitting while he naps on the floor next to me. we go for a few walks every day, short ones, giving him the opportunity to smell what’s been going on and pee on everything that smells. i appreciate being able to amble along beside him, lost in my own thoughts. when i can, i get out on my own walks, striding briskly for an hour or so, clearing my head, working my heart and lungs and muscles. i always feel better for it.

i recently interviewed (twice) for a clerical position in the school district. the process was enjoyable, though the first was much more relaxed and the second caused me more angst than was necessary. it wasn’t the fault of the 8 people who were at the interview, as they were nice and their questions reasonable. the fault was all mine.  i allowed myself to get all flustercated about how i answered the questions, about what i didn’t say and what i should have said, about how i came across. way too much time was spent agonizing over it all and in the end i did not get the job. my sister asked me an excellent question: are you upset that you didn’t land the job or that they didn’t want you for the job? i realized i was disappointed that they didn’t choose me. i allowed myself (for just a moment) to wallow in the thought that i wasn’t good enough.

truth be told, i was delighted to be “courted”, even if just a little bit. i felt like sally field at the oscars when she won best actress for “norma rae” – you like me! you really like me! but if i had been hired i know i would’ve grown tired of sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day, in front of a computer, entering data all day long. in addition, the pay for the position is grossly below what it should be for the amount of work that will be expected. had i been picked to join the ranks of the district i might have been excited for the change of pace and scenery, but the bloom would be off the rose after a few months. my time and talents are more valuable than what would be required to perform the job, and i had dodged a bullet.

so, i am back to being under-employed, but with the flexibility to read more, write more, knit more and spend more time with friends. a trip to visit my sister (something that is non-negotiable twice a year) is in the planning stages and there will be time to enjoy the summer and the outdoors and continue to be active.

coming close to the edge of something new and different is good for clarifying what is important and of value. there is something to be said for venturing outside of one’s comfort zone to spark new thinking, new behavior, and a renewed inventory of what matters. i recommend it.

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