how sweet it isn’t

i am so tired of being a slave to sweets. i really am. my whole life i have had a sweet tooth and no matter what i tell myself, i can’t resist them (especially after a couple of glasses of wine.)

every night i go to bed vowing to be better the next day, eat more vegetables, avoid cookies and cake and muffins and candy, drink more water, be better. and some days i do pretty well. i get a reasonable amount of exercise, which i enjoy, and my psyche is changed a lot afterwards. but i can’t seem to kick the sweets. is it something in my cell makeup? i don’t think it’s genetic, or at least it’s not genetic with my siblings. my sister can take take em or leave em, and i don’t think either of my brothers is all that keen on them. so why me?

when i am bored or sad, i bake, and i seem to be bored an awful lot lately. i bake cookies every week (taking them to work most of the time) and this week i baked a cake, doctoring it to make it more like a “bakery” cake by using an extra egg and substituting the oil for butter x 2. it does taste pretty damn good, but it is so bad for me. and once i have a taste i can’t stop.

i ‘m sure that it’s largely an emotional addiction, but simply knowing that doesn’t mean i understand it. i have wanted to kick the habit for so many years, but it seems that i’m destined to have this problem into perpetuity. i’d sooner buy a bag of m & ms than a bag of clementines. what the hell’s the matter with me?

i guess some of us just have things that are dangerous, and at least i’m not drawn to street or prescription drugs, or even alcohol. that would be bad, certainly, but i can’t underestimate the danger of too much sugar, either.

so, tonight, like many other nights, i will vow to try harder tomorrow, promise myself to get in a workout before or after work, and be smarter about my food choices. as i write this i realize that i also need to work on figuring myself out, discovering my triggers and motivations, and finding a balance in my life.

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