i suppose i can give myself some credit for hauling my lazy self out of the house in the evening to get some exercise. my usual plan is to take care of business in the morning, so when i do get to feeling lazy later in the day i can at least say that i’ve had my exercise. yesterday, however, i was busy mid to late morning so that didn’t happen. when i got home at 2 i sat down to knit and catch up on my “blacklist” viewing (love james spader in this one – he has become a lot more attractive as he has gotten older – he has a certain gravitas in this role that is really compelling). after a couple of attempts at taking hogan for a walk, thwarted by his gimpy hind leg, i decided i couldn’t bear to stay in the house another minute, just counting down until bedtime. there is only so much laundry, baking, knitting one can do before the heebeegeebees take over, and i’d reached that point.
although it was good to get the endorphins going, i didn’t have my usual rush of renewed energy or purpose. maybe it was the later hour, the day waning rather than waxing. maybe it was the fact that when i got home i still wouldn’t know what to do with myself. whatever it was, it was disappointing. i wonder if mom felt like this and i am filled again with a wistfulness that i never talked with mom about these feelings. when she (and dad) were able to converse about things i had yet to enter this questioning stage of life, the time of life when one asks “now what?” when i was beginning to wonder what the last chapter of my life would look like, they were both in declining health and it was too late. mom was overwhelmed by sadness at leaving their home of 30+ years and at dad’s diagnosis of alzheimer’s and dad was unreachable because of the alzheimer’s.
i feel lucky to have my sister to talk to, but she is going through a new door and, once again, in a different stage than i. they are moving to portland from california, closer to 5 of their 7 grandchildren, closer to all that the city has to offer. they are doing a lot of work on the house they bought, so she is deep into choosing appliances and plumbing stuff and paint colors and the like, not to mention getting their current house ready to sell. she recently told me “don’t sell your house. the stress will kill you, ” and i can see that she is trying hard not to be crushed by it all. so now is probably not the best time to foist my own stuff on her.
i’m thinking about signing up for a 7 week course by mark matousek which encourages writing as a meditative practice. it is called “writing as a spiritual practice” and begins on tuesday, march 31st at 5:00 p.m. pacific time. if you can’t listen in during the live stream, each module will be archived to listen to later. don’t let the word “spiritual” scare you – i think of it as connection to the source more than a religious connotation. i suspect it can be as religious/spiritual as one wishes it to be.
the reason i think this course will be good for me is that i tend to get stuck when i write in my journal and morning pages in the negative thoughts and also tend to re-visit old wounds and thoughts and issues over and over again. this will help to guide me toward opening up and unearthing those thoughts that are holding me back. i think that will help propel me into a richer, more fulfilling future.