apathy sucks. it always strikes me in the morning, mocking me for the upbeat and optimistic mood i went to bed with. i am full of good ideas and great plans to accomplish things as i drift off to sleep, but when the cloud-cloaked sun rises i am hopeless. walking the dog (who is getting older and doesn’t have any more get-up-and-go than i do) doesn’t help, 2 hearty cups of coffee no longer seem to help and, though i know the mind/body benefits of exercise, my internal motivating trigger is nonfunctional.
why is it that i can’t self-motivate? on days like this, when the dog is sleeping on the floor and the sky is overcast and the house is deathly quiet, i feel completely unsuccessful and blank. on days like this when there is laundry to be done and knitting projects to work on and books to read, i am stuck in neutral and either don’t want to snap out of it or can’t.
my father used to talk about this feeling, and i sure do wish he was still around so i could talk about it with him. as a matter of fact, i wish i’d been wise enough to realize how very many things i could’ve talked with him about before he was diagnosed with alzheimer’s. he’s gone now, but i do remember vividly his wondering if the feeling was due to laziness or the fear of failure. neither choice is very pleasant to consider, but i fear that for me it is just plain laziness. i have failed at any number of things in my life and know that i will fail at more, and i realize that failing isn’t the problem, not trying again is, so i don’t fear failure. i do worry that i’m a lazy person, an unmotivated, undisciplined person. that scares me.
unfortunately, at times like this it doesn’t help that it scares me because i can’t seem to use that fear to motivate me. here i sit staring into space, picking up a book, putting it down again, thinking about the single step that will surely propel me on my journey of a thousand, but not budging.
how do you haul yourself out of a funk? what tends to get you re-interested in things, active, engaged?